"United Native Americans (UNA) is proud to announce that it has
bought the state of California from the whites and is throwing it
open to Indian settlement.

United Native Americans bought California from three winos found
wandering in San Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen
for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the
treaty, which was written in Sioux, and sold California for three
bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has
announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the
whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following
locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South
Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to
the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows" (or
until the Indians want it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for
the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who
wants to use this land in any way must secure permission from
Commissioner Brightman. Of course, whites will be allowed to sell
trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway.

Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of
tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy

If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation
superintendent. Applicants must have less than one year of education,
must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof
of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding
schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six
(6). "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture
of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz
Island; the Florida Everglades; Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong.

All courses will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be
demerits for anyone caught speaking English. All students arriving at
the school will immediately be given IQ tests to determine their
understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites
at Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the
Utah Salt Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon
may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go
to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff
of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all
passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a
scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern tourniquet, and a large bottle
of aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will
be given traditional white names. One famous Indian movie director
has even announced that in his upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he
will use many actual whites to play the parts of soldiers, speaking
real English, although, of course, the part of Custer will be played
by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels. Certain barbaric white customs
will, of course, not be allowed. Whites will not be allowed to
practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend
Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to
convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be
made into amusement parks or museums or will be torn down and the
bricks and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities."